Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Things I Never Thought I'd Do: A Top Ten List

Pre-kids, we have a lot of ideas about what we will and won't do as parents. We tell ourselves that we won't give them juice, no pacifier, no tv until two. We'll cloth diaper, only serve organic everything, and we'll have them rear-facing in the carseat until college.

We all have the best of intentions, but then life happens and suddenly we're plopping junior down in front of yet another episode of Dora, with a big fat (non-organic) juice box in hand. All for a moment's peace to do the dishes.

At some point we all come to realize that we're doing a lot of things we said we'd never do. But this list is different. This is the shit I never even thought I'd never do. Ever. No one ever talks about this stuff.

And so I present my first Top Ten: Things I Never Thought I'd Do.

10. Sing, out of key, in front of a group of 6 Moms that I don't know at music class. Without alcohol.

9. Invest in something called Boogie Wipes. Or, use the word "boogie" at all.

8. Rectal Thermometer. 'Nuff said.

7. Hum the "Bubble Guppies" theme song in my head. At 3am. Bubble, bubble, bubble...

6. Suck, quite literally, the snot out of another human being's nose. This thing really does rock though.

5. Finally concede, after 30 years, that Mac-N-Cheese out of the blue box probably isn't the healthiest option for lunch. Or a 1am snack.

4. Care about the frequency, consistency, and color of someone else's shit.

3. Cry over a car commercial. Subaru, I'm looking at you.   

2. Try to score the hottest ticket in town, to see the Fresh Beat Band. Without resorting to the black market.

1. Spend nap-time on a Mommy Board discussing whether or not you could ever do this:

The answer, by the way, is the strongest "no" I can summon without using very foul language. I am definitely not "Mom Enough" for that.

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